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A ‘native to native’ guide to surviving Edinburgh Festival

Fulla T

Another fun idea for Scottish locals, given the upcoming and slightly controversial independence referendum, is to approach the awkward 18 year old festival staff (who are probably on their first independent voyage from somewhere in London, earning some money for their long awaited Bali trip) and ask them – quietly and intensely – what they think about Scottish Independence. DO NOT BLINK for their entire answer.  Maybe pretend to record it. When they’ve finished talking, give a high pitched laugh like a maniac (regardless of their response), point right at them – right there in their faces – and then walk away, silently shaking your head in bemused disbelief.

                                                   #3: Get Religious…


Chris Eden
Approach anyone drinking at the Udderbelly (that, to confirm, is the giant purple cow) and hand them a flyer lamenting the problems of worshipping false idols. #oldtestamentbanter

#4:Extreme Celeb Spotting…



Take celebrity spotting to the next level. Award you and your friends points for who you see  but award bonuses for the circumstances under which you spotted them. Jimmy Carr is in Pleasance Courtyard? 20 points. Jimmy Carr currently has his mouth full in KFC? 45 points. JIMMY CARR IS PEEING IN THAT PUBLIC TOILET OVER THERE RIGHT NOW? 80 points. Extra points can be awarded to those who manage to find out what abandoned student accommodation is used to house festival acts. Triple points are given to those who make it to the door of the flat, repeatedly ring the bell and stamp their feet, all the while screaming “But this is my house!!” through the letter box.

#5: I’m Alumni…



If you are a recent graduate of Edinburgh University, why not take advantage of your new Alumni status? Use it to get into dressing rooms, green rooms, after parties and members only clubs. You used to go here. You drank in that pub and paid fines in that library for four years. You’re VIP. Make ‘Alumni’ a badge of honour, not just a monthly e-newsletter and an excuse for university call centres to get more money out of you. Hey, they should be paying you.

#6: Be a bit more of a knob…



g cowan
Use the festive atmosphere to your advantage and take no heed of normal social rules. Break the taboo’s of singing along loudly in public to music on your mp3 player – create a whole dance routine for it if you like. Create your own amateur sock puppet improvisation group, parodying the current coalition government.  Talk loudly to yourself about what you’d like for lunch, all the while stroking your chest hair in an aggressive manner. As long as it’s on the Royal Mile, it’s just a ‘street performance’.

#7: The British Are Coming


Since you’re on the Royal Mile anyway (probably spraying silly string on passers by while dressed like Margaret Thatcher as the Queen of Hearts), devise a strategy with other Edinburgh locals. At 1pm – with the arrival of the one o’clock gun- you all have to drop to the ground, or run off panicked as the shot is fired, shouting “INVASION! EVERYBODY GET OUT, INVAAAASSSIIIONN!!!”. The others will soon follow.

Written by Rachel Barr (in 2013. Don’t judge 2014 Rachel Barr for this. She’s grown. She’s just too busy to cast new judgement on old topics. Don’t judge, and if you do – at least be decent and make sure to formalize it in the comments box, below. Really let rip. She hates 2013 Rachel too.)

Photo Credits: Phil Wirks, NealeA, G Cowan, fluterirl, Chris Eden, Fulla T, Martin Robertson, Rachel’s mum.


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